The same realization over and over again

With my appearance

Wearing the right things

Having a certain hairstyle

And a big one: being thin enough.

The media spews this message over and over again,

(but so do we)

until one day, I eventually realized:

I am enough. I (merely) am.

(I do not have to be beautiful. Embracing ideas like "you're beautiful JUST the way you are" didn't work either, because it meant that to be worthy you had to be beautiful. But you know what? I truly, honestly just am. I have a face. I have a body. I do not need to be perceived as "beautiful" even to feel whole. Existing outside this need to live up to an expectation, even a "positive" expectation feels really good.)

Same with grades, oh boy, grades.

This one's kind of ingrained in our minds.

We get socially rewarded, at least with teachers,

for getting good marks, being on good behaviour.

Doing what they want, and expect of you.

For those of you like me

who didn't stop in high school, didn't stop in undergrad,

and yet again, still in school, in academia

no longer chasing marks but now hooked on to

the treadmill of working around the clock.

When the scholarship that helps you live a tad bit above the poverty line

meant you toiled away at number of lines

that measure how many publications, how many posters,

how many projects you were juggling,

how many hours you didn't sleep,

how many coffees you've had til you have jittery hands.

#AcademicTwitter has voices supporting mental health

but just as many voices chalking up talks about self-care as

"weak, not enough dedication, whining."

I felt guilty going to bed at 10pm when I knew

yet others competing for similar funding packages are toiling until the AM.

You have no idea the number of emails I have answered while on the loo 💩,

thinking that if I didn't squeeze one last ounce of productivity

that I wasn't dedicated enough, producing enough, researching enough.

But I am enough. I have my strengths and my weaknesses,

and my strengths (*shocking*) emerge best

when I give myself that time to rest.

It will take automation and robots a long time

before being able to simulate my strength in curiosity,

in synthesizing information and seeing the bigger picture,

in bulldozing forward with evermore questions.

My weaknesses in enduring "yet another email"

can easily be replaced by automated, templated work,

so why am I wasting my human juice on busy work?

I am enough; I do not need to have the most # of publications,

# of conference presentations,

the most $$ funding.

I am, by doing what I love.

And now, as I'm older, I feel the pressure to

earn more, to own more.

Hustle mindset. Dream big. Own more.

"Don't settle for where you are, keep fighting".

I have a main hustle (school),

but also a side hustle (small sticker business).

Grow your business, focus on your end goal.

Social media: have a ratio, grow a following.

1k ➡ 5k ➡ 10k* ➡ 50k ➡ 100k

*at 10k followers on insta you can start

adding links 🔗 to your story so that

people viewing your story can BUY more,

so you EARN more, be more, grow, hustle.

The people who sell a hustle mindset

speak ACTIVATING words,

so it's easy to start running, sprinting even,

with a vague goal ➡ to be like them? to be richer? to retire sooner?

I was drawn to this mindset because the promise of

financial security

(buzzwords: MULTIPLE INCOME STREAMS, SIDE HUSTLE, INVESTING AND WATCHING YOUR MONEY GROW, AMAZON DROPSHIP),

where financial security (and independence) for the longest time was related

to my personal safety, having grown up in an abusive, controlling household.

Having extra money doesn't make me feel good,

it merely makes me feel safe.

And unlike before where I saved up $$ like

it was the lifeline and no amount of money was enough

because I never knew what financial abuse brought next,

here I sit, typing away one evening, realizing that

This is enough. I am enough.

I have the basics (the emergency funding, ongoing steady income despite lockdown)

--this is a privilege of having accessed resources that taught me financial security when my financially abusive parents did not.

I don't need to buy a condo (ofc it'd be nice, yes)

when small touches upcycled from items destined for the landfill

upgrade my well-designed basement apartment into

a humble & safe abode 🏡.

And this is acceptance.

This is a stage that we allude to but no one spends any time on.

Because it doesn't sell.

It sells to negatively portray a flaw, to push a product to "fix" that flaw.

It sells to promote a "positive expectation", to push people to move forward.

It does not sell to ask someone to stop and fully perceive who they are

and to sit in that.

Do you know what I mean?

To wholly perceive?

I didn't know before 2020 and honestly about 88% of the time I don't feel this either.

But I can only describe this experience as truly living in the present.

👀 Where you are seeing and really taking in your surroundings, not in an automatic way, but in an intentional way, with overt attention absorbing every piece of information.

• The way that a ballpoint pen leaves a small bald spot in the middle as you write (that you wouldn't notice otherwise).

• The way your mug casts a shadow over your laptop keys

• The way dust collects on your goddamn table so fast and you can notice the blindspots that you don't entirely clean

👂 Where the next sense that pops up (for me at least) is hearing,

• The quiet silence, almost ringing

• The wifi router making that dzzzz-dz-dzzzzzdzdzz-dzdzzzz-dz noise

• The way that typing noises sound like tappity tippity tip tap pap tippititopity

👃 And once these two best senses kick in my breathing becomes smoother, as I take in larger breaths, in & out and notice

• The smell of the baked fries I so desperately burnt to a crisp still lingering in the air

• I smell the Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion wafting through the air

• [and if I concentrate too hard] I smell the soil and the ground smell, the smell of nature, as I live underground

✋ At which point I shift my attention away to another sense, and realize that in these moments, I feel the sense of mindfulness and grounding, that I'm in touch with the PRESENT moment, that yes there are things to worry about in the future (EXAM SOON) and things to regret from the past (THAT THING I SAID THAT ONE TIME) but now is not the moment as I feel

• My butt cheeks against the chair

• That part of my spine that endures my weight against gravity ALL DAY and probably will be the EXACT spot that will hurt in the future

• My hair, with loose strands against my neck

• The cold against my bare skin as the hot summer day has dissipated into a slightly cooler night, which translates to actually pretty damn cold when you live in a basemeent

👅 And finally, taste.

• (i have 3L of bagged milk so I've been drinking it like water don't @ me)

This, I realized was mindfulness, yes. { concept of grounding }

But I think even the concept of mindfulness has been packaged a little.

To me,

this is living.

Rather than surviving.

---

I, for a hot second, automatically linked "(small sticker business)" to my shop, because, capitalism,

until I realize that same pressure to promote, to sell, to stick in even that last tiny reminder

comes from the sense that I feel that the small business is not enough, that I need more, that I'm chasing something that I don't even know what I'm chasing.

👀⏳

So it takes time.

& we wait.

3 questions I journal when anxious

The Questions

1. What is the best-case scenario?

2. What is the most likely scenario?

3. What can you do about the worst-case scenario? What do you not have control over and will choose to let go?

The reason behind asking these questions

What this graph means

• If we pretend the x-axis shows how "good" something is, with negative events occurring on the left side and positive events happening on the right side

• And on the y-axis we count the # of times something happens out of, say, 100 simulations of that example

• What this graph shows is that: the most likely situation is a neutral situation, in the middle

• The best-case scenario occurs very little of the time, but so does the worst-case scenario

Best case scenario

• when in panic mode, my brain fires up and looks at all the worst-case scenarios to prep us to fight it

• but in reality, the best-case scenario is JUST as likely to happen usually, and we should give it equal weight in our thinking

• that's why, in addition to your body automatically prepping us by thinking of the worst, we should ask ourselves, are we prepared for the best-case scenario? did we consider what that would look like?

Most likely scenario

• when in panic mode, our brains also gloss over all the middle parts, all the neutral non-black & white possibilities

• asking myself what the MOST likely situation to happen is important because we want to be prepared for this scenario the most (rather than the worst-case scenario)

Worst-case scenario

• we also don't want to entirely ignore the worst-case scenario because your body is alerting you to this for a reason

• I like to split the journalling for this into two categories

• [1] what CAN I do about this situation?

• This is to acknowledge that oftentimes our brains worry about things and there are tangible next steps you could take. Make a plan and schedule those steps. The brain worries because it's an internal notification system reminding you to do things all the time when actually, we can just isolate the reminder to just the 5 minute period before you have to do the thing.

• [2] what are things that I have no control over that I should make time to honour and then let go?

• acknowledge that anxiety serves a purpose to warn your body of something and to spur it into action to DO something, but there isn't always something it can do. When this smoke detector accurately detects that something is on FIRE, you have tangible next steps to evacuate. When the smoke detector goes off just because you ever so slightly burned your omelette, it's an annoying alert system that sets of all these unpleasant reactions (loud sirens).

• for me, I take the time to be like, thanks smoke detector (thanks anxiety), you tried, I can't do anything about this slightly burned omelette. You (anxiety/ smoke detector) served a purpose and instead of focussing on letting it ring eternally, I'm gonna press the button that shuts it up

• The hard thing about panic is that it doesn't have a single button like the smoke detector, but there ARE ways to curb anxious thinking and anxious bodily reactions (feeling clammy, out of breath, heart palpilations)

• Calming your anxious thinking: mindful sushi train, mindful leaves on stream

• Calming your anxious body: deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visualization

An example

Scenario: I'm pitching a new research idea to my supervisor and I'm nervous because I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA and it's my first time pitching anything to her.

What is the best-case scenario?

• She says yes! Let's do this! So excited!!!

• Part of writing this journal entry will feel empowering, trust me. Writing the answer to this question will feel energizing. When I do this it feels like a burden is lifted off my shoulders because previously I only automatically considered all the potential embarrassing endings and that's such a burden to hold tbh.

What is the most likely scenario?

• She says maybe, sounds interesting, but has some qualms. Her advice is to please gather more information and answer these n questions about feasibility and rationale and let's discuss again!

• Writing this ALSO made me feel a burden lightening. Instead of just assuming no, I'm expecting that most likely, my "baby's first research idea" will have some flaws and her role is to give me constructive feedback. It doesn't have to be perfect the first time, and having that scaffolding for making this project feasible and convincing for funding is a good exercise to hone key research skills.

• The neutral scenario can so easily be framed as a negative scenario (oh, she said no, "I'm a failure") as a positive scenario (ah, I see movement and forward motion in this project and see tangible steps forward). How you frame the neutral/ most likely scenario is so important.

What is the worst-case scenario?

• She says no, please finish all of your existing projects first.

• Actually, as I write this out I realize this isn't the worst-case scenario but when it's swimming in my head it fEELS like a downright "no" and a rejection, which hurts. In reality, it's a "not yet", with tangible steps for what you have to finish next (stuff on your plate) and a reminder to revisit this idea as it grows (set a calendar reminder).

• She says no, this is a terrible idea let us never revisit this again.

• Honestly, my first worst-case scenario thoughts about this make me feel terrible. It's the bulk of the "burden on my shoulders" feel. Imagine how embarrassing this could feel, how this feels like rejection!

• I think in the past I would have just jumped to part 2 of the question, "what can we acknowledge and let go of"? It hurts when an idea gets scrapped because like I said in the beginning, it's something I valued, and losing the opportunity to do something you valued does hurt. It might take some time to let go.

• Because of what journaled in question 2 about the most likely situation, I actually discovered that more than I value 100% acceptance of an idea, I value feedback from a supervisor and that's really what I'm investing in when I do this degree. If she flat out just shuts it down (which is honestly out of character), I would ask specific questions about why because part of what I value is learning how to chisel down a dumb idea into a shining, feasible one.

• If she still declines I would respect that boundary, of course, do some reading and reflection on my own (ideally) and go back to part 2 of this question of letting it go. In this scenario I have already tried the best I could to a) pitch the idea and b) learn from pitching the idea and there were no further steps I could have taken. Honour your effort and allow yourself to let go of things that don't budge.

Why stop here?

• Another post about how I'm managing my anxiety during these anxiety-provoking times

• My journalling routine this year !!!

{ staying present } { staying mindful }

It is March 17th, 2020.

& welcome to your morning announcements.

For reading this in the future,

or those living under a rock,

a virus that looks like a suction ball

{ covid19 }

is spreading across the world.

---

In other absolutely unrelated news,

in the last week I'd been reading up on mindfulness

as part of a presentation I was doing about anxiety.

Mindfulness

• Staying present

• Observing the moment by moment experience

• Being non-judgmental; staying curious

Last week, when I presented the information,

it was just information.

It was just sharing the how-to from

a very objective pov

and I didn't really question about how

I was practicing mindfulness in my own life

because to me, it came easy,

it was something I'd been practicing.

Here is what I shared:

Why mindfulness?

• If you're like me, you have an internal monologue, and that internal monologue is a professional Time Traveler

• to the past: ruminating thoughts about how I said something, how I did something, regretting something I did in the past

• to the future: worrying about the stuff I have to do in the future, whether I'm prepared enough for the future, thinking about all the steps that have to be done

• & this internal monologue rarely sits there and thinks about the now, except for very fleeting moments (i.e., wow I'm hungry)

• We think about the past to help us learn lessons, so it's a useful thing to do in moderation, but if we do it too much, we're stealing from our experiences now, and are we truly then using what we learned and applying them now? Or are we forever regretting the moment that JUST passed us by?

• We think about the future to help us prepare, so again, useful to help us live our lives functionally, but if we do it too much, we're so focussed on preparing for the future that when it arrives, are we even enjoying it or are we already time travelling to the NEW future for MORE planning?

• The idea of mindfulness is to ensure that the here & now get equal spotlight in your day, so you get to live & experience the now too!

It has a bunch of different forms,

you've probably heard of a few...

Mindfulness in activities

• goal: focus on all aspects of your experience of DOING the activity and noticing each piece of sensory information coming into your body

• mindful eating: paying attention to every aspect of eating -- tasting the flavour, feeling the crunch and texture, smelling the smell, seeing the colours vs. eating your meal while watching a tv show

• mindful walking: really taking in the sights (trees, clouds, mud, flowers, birds, etc.), the smells (grass, mud, flowers), feelings (your feet against the ground, the breeze on your skin), sounds (chirping, your footsteps, light chatter).

• It can literally be any activity, and my most recent wildly mindful activity is mindful dishwashing, which is wild because I HATE washing dishes. But now it's become this meditative thing I do because it's oddly ... soothing? If you put your entire attention towards something and its not constantly being drawn away to something else?

Mindfulness breathing

• goal: focussing on the sensory aspects of your breathing

• literally exactly like above, except you're focussing on the sensory aspects of breathing

• The feeling of air filling your lungs, your stomach and core expanding, your chest falling as you breathe out; the feeling of the chair against your body, your feet against the ground, etc.

Mindfulness meditation for thoughts

• goal: allow thoughts to come and go in your mind, without judgment, let your internal monologue play but don't react to it, be non-judgmental, curious about the thoughts as they come by

• For me, I visualize each thought popping out as a thought bubble, being able to see the thought, and slowly letting it go.

• You might have thoughts like "I'm hungry", "I'm cold", "I should be doing homework"; you might even have thoughts like "I suck at this", "this is dumb", "I am bad at doing this". It's ok. Your brain just THINKS thoughts all the time and it'll continue popping up those notifications. Swipe those notifications away like you do promotional emails that you deleted without reading.

• If you love visualizing stuff I have two versions of this that are visually based:

• leaves on a stream: envision placing each thought on a leaf that is slowly flowing down the stream ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw&t=17s

• sushi train metaphor: envision placing each thought on a plate like a piece of sushi on a conveyor belt ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzUoXJVI0wo

It was all easy peasy until this 24/7 news cycle about COVID19 updates started happening

Every day there's more news about shutdowns,

and questions about why we haven't done more,

or what we SHOULD be doing,

or what we SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING.

Mindfulness is REALLY REALLY hard to practice during this time

And I found myself easily forgoing that

saying to myself that I need to

do the anxious scroll to get the latest and most important updates

about this virus,

so I can be #prepared.

It probably only took half a day before I felt overwhelmed

Unable to cope with the hourly emails from

ALL THE COMPANIES I have EVER encountered in my life

updating us on how they are dealing with this pandemic.

I spent all of Monday updating and updating and updating and updating, until

I stopped.

This is your permission to unsubscribe from news updates.

SPECIFICALLY, this is your permission and my permission

to unsubscribe from CONTINUOUS STREAM of updates where

information is thrown at you and you're constantly

constantly making decisions.

Stop that.

Instead, set aside intentional time every day

to grab information that you need.

Set boundaries with people who might be sharing this info with you.

Let them know what those boundaries are.

(no insensitive memes? no sad news after 10pm or before 6am so I can go the fuck to sleep and not have nightmares? don't send me screenshots of dumb and ignorant replies I only want the news info? only send me info that has an actionable step I can do? etc.)

This is really first and foremost a reminder to me,

to not let this bleed into my entire day,

so I can compartmentalize and focus on living.

It does kind of feel wild, carrying on and "living in the present", while the world is in panic

Key disclaimer, I am not ignoring the recommendations

and pretending the pandemic doesn't exist.

I am still:

• exercising social distancing to flatten the curve

• maintaining daily activities and staying active

• staying updated

But all in a more intentional way.

Remember when this was my goal of the year?

it's still word of the year,

pandemic or not

I'm sticking to it y'all

But I'm doing a lot more

I don't need to commute anymore

A lot of meetings got cancelled

So I have so much freedom (!)

with my time

And here's what I've done so far:

• mindfully wash them dishes, we are on day 3 of 0 leftoever dishes each night

• I have mindfully eaten 5 apples, ranging from a rating of 2/10 to 3.5/10. one friend asked me to just stop eating apples. we will see.

• I've discovered free audiobooks from the library, and have listened to Spark Joy by Marie Kondo almost in entirety

• And simultaneously deep cleaned my house

And yes

the news still scares me

as more stringent measures are placed into action.

Thoughts that come to mind are usually:

• Did I prep enough for this social distancing and self-isolation? #past

• Was I careful enough when I met with clients who were sick, or with lab members who showed up to lab, ill? #past

• What will I do when I run out of food in 2 weeks, how will I get food? #future

• What will I happen if I get ill, I live alone? #future

And all of these questions are important to consider,

in terms of prepping for the future

& considering risk levels from the past to determine my future steps,

but I have tangible solutions for all of them

and do not need to be constantly re-reviewing my response

minute by minute

Day by day, possibly.

It's not gonna change if I think this thought one more time in the next 42 minutes.

Instead

I am staying present.

Washing them dishes.

Doing things I wanted to do if I suddenly had 2 weeks of

no classes, no meetings, no deadlines to meet.

:)