3 questions I journal when anxious

The Questions

1. What is the best-case scenario?

2. What is the most likely scenario?

3. What can you do about the worst-case scenario? What do you not have control over and will choose to let go?

The reason behind asking these questions

What this graph means

• If we pretend the x-axis shows how "good" something is, with negative events occurring on the left side and positive events happening on the right side

• And on the y-axis we count the # of times something happens out of, say, 100 simulations of that example

• What this graph shows is that: the most likely situation is a neutral situation, in the middle

• The best-case scenario occurs very little of the time, but so does the worst-case scenario

Best case scenario

• when in panic mode, my brain fires up and looks at all the worst-case scenarios to prep us to fight it

• but in reality, the best-case scenario is JUST as likely to happen usually, and we should give it equal weight in our thinking

• that's why, in addition to your body automatically prepping us by thinking of the worst, we should ask ourselves, are we prepared for the best-case scenario? did we consider what that would look like?

Most likely scenario

• when in panic mode, our brains also gloss over all the middle parts, all the neutral non-black & white possibilities

• asking myself what the MOST likely situation to happen is important because we want to be prepared for this scenario the most (rather than the worst-case scenario)

Worst-case scenario

• we also don't want to entirely ignore the worst-case scenario because your body is alerting you to this for a reason

• I like to split the journalling for this into two categories

• [1] what CAN I do about this situation?

• This is to acknowledge that oftentimes our brains worry about things and there are tangible next steps you could take. Make a plan and schedule those steps. The brain worries because it's an internal notification system reminding you to do things all the time when actually, we can just isolate the reminder to just the 5 minute period before you have to do the thing.

• [2] what are things that I have no control over that I should make time to honour and then let go?

• acknowledge that anxiety serves a purpose to warn your body of something and to spur it into action to DO something, but there isn't always something it can do. When this smoke detector accurately detects that something is on FIRE, you have tangible next steps to evacuate. When the smoke detector goes off just because you ever so slightly burned your omelette, it's an annoying alert system that sets of all these unpleasant reactions (loud sirens).

• for me, I take the time to be like, thanks smoke detector (thanks anxiety), you tried, I can't do anything about this slightly burned omelette. You (anxiety/ smoke detector) served a purpose and instead of focussing on letting it ring eternally, I'm gonna press the button that shuts it up

• The hard thing about panic is that it doesn't have a single button like the smoke detector, but there ARE ways to curb anxious thinking and anxious bodily reactions (feeling clammy, out of breath, heart palpilations)

• Calming your anxious thinking: mindful sushi train, mindful leaves on stream

• Calming your anxious body: deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visualization

An example

Scenario: I'm pitching a new research idea to my supervisor and I'm nervous because I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA and it's my first time pitching anything to her.

What is the best-case scenario?

• She says yes! Let's do this! So excited!!!

• Part of writing this journal entry will feel empowering, trust me. Writing the answer to this question will feel energizing. When I do this it feels like a burden is lifted off my shoulders because previously I only automatically considered all the potential embarrassing endings and that's such a burden to hold tbh.

What is the most likely scenario?

• She says maybe, sounds interesting, but has some qualms. Her advice is to please gather more information and answer these n questions about feasibility and rationale and let's discuss again!

• Writing this ALSO made me feel a burden lightening. Instead of just assuming no, I'm expecting that most likely, my "baby's first research idea" will have some flaws and her role is to give me constructive feedback. It doesn't have to be perfect the first time, and having that scaffolding for making this project feasible and convincing for funding is a good exercise to hone key research skills.

• The neutral scenario can so easily be framed as a negative scenario (oh, she said no, "I'm a failure") as a positive scenario (ah, I see movement and forward motion in this project and see tangible steps forward). How you frame the neutral/ most likely scenario is so important.

What is the worst-case scenario?

• She says no, please finish all of your existing projects first.

• Actually, as I write this out I realize this isn't the worst-case scenario but when it's swimming in my head it fEELS like a downright "no" and a rejection, which hurts. In reality, it's a "not yet", with tangible steps for what you have to finish next (stuff on your plate) and a reminder to revisit this idea as it grows (set a calendar reminder).

• She says no, this is a terrible idea let us never revisit this again.

• Honestly, my first worst-case scenario thoughts about this make me feel terrible. It's the bulk of the "burden on my shoulders" feel. Imagine how embarrassing this could feel, how this feels like rejection!

• I think in the past I would have just jumped to part 2 of the question, "what can we acknowledge and let go of"? It hurts when an idea gets scrapped because like I said in the beginning, it's something I valued, and losing the opportunity to do something you valued does hurt. It might take some time to let go.

• Because of what journaled in question 2 about the most likely situation, I actually discovered that more than I value 100% acceptance of an idea, I value feedback from a supervisor and that's really what I'm investing in when I do this degree. If she flat out just shuts it down (which is honestly out of character), I would ask specific questions about why because part of what I value is learning how to chisel down a dumb idea into a shining, feasible one.

• If she still declines I would respect that boundary, of course, do some reading and reflection on my own (ideally) and go back to part 2 of this question of letting it go. In this scenario I have already tried the best I could to a) pitch the idea and b) learn from pitching the idea and there were no further steps I could have taken. Honour your effort and allow yourself to let go of things that don't budge.

Why stop here?

• Another post about how I'm managing my anxiety during these anxiety-provoking times

• My journalling routine this year !!!

Self care in grad school: TIME BOUNDARIES

Most recounts of self-care focus on recharging, after the day. It's about bringing back loss after spending time and energy as a currency throughout the day. With my goal of being intentional this year as well (yes, my WORD OF THE YEAR), I also thought about the flip side: intentional spending.

Here are 3 ways I've been trying out to protect time + energy boundaries

[FIRST] Say no to projects that don't align with training goals

• I make this decision based on whether a project aligns with (1) my research interests and (2) my training skills

• Starting out grad school meant my research interests were BROAD so for the first couple of years I focussed on taking on projects that helped me develop training skills (e.g., types of stats, techniques, etc.)

• Now comes the hard part. Once you've figured out your ultimate goals, make sure you're staying true to these goals by taking on projects that fit these goals.

• Remember, saying yes to something (especially something you don't really care about) implicitly means saying no to something else (which could've been THE thing you actually care about). You only 24h to your day.

• As you get into upper years of grad school, develop the skill of asserting your time boundaries. [I say you but honestly this is a long internal monologue to myself, I need to set these time boundaries too] .

[SECOND] Automate + script anything and all things

• Love coding/ scripting? This is right up your alley. Definitely automate as much of your data analysis as possible because friend, you are human, and humans make mistakes, especially humans who don't get enough sleep. Don't play yourself by analyzing ALL your data and realizing that in step 1 you entered 22 instead of 2 in a parameter and have to do it ALL over again

• Automation doesn't only mean coding though! There are websites out there (like IFTTT) that take the coding out of making "If This, Then [do] That" sequences. Definitely try email templates for responding to students as a TA (consider: "read the syllabus" templates + instructions of where to find it; create a template for everything you have to write more than 3 times).

• Automate your citations and references omg please: I wrote a blog post here about using the FREE MENDELEY PROGRAM available out there, and it's something I wish I could have sent to my past self. I mourn all the hours, perhaps days, I've spent on citations and references, it makes me cry.

• Automate your LIFE THINGS: consider meal prep (don't have to decide meals every day or wait in lines to buy meals AND save money); having a capsule wardrobe (minimize the number of decisions you have to make in a day to prevent decision fatigue)

[THIRD] Document your project decisions and details

• Make sure you document ALL your decisions and rationales (so you don't come back to them 2 years later because Reviewer 2 is like Why Did You Do It Like This). Human memory is fallible and even though you think you'll remember it, you'll forget at least one (1) detail

• DOCUMENT ALL THE RESOURCES YOU USED so you can come back to them if you need to check something. There's nothing as painful as having to regoogle a resource/FAQ/how-to and it's no longer showing up in your google search

• Documenting dates + project details also gives you an approximate but tangible look-back on how realistically (and painfully) L O N G projects can actually take, so you can use these more realistic estimates for future planning.

• Why I do it: It's my long term memory outside of my real long term memory. External storage. Searchable (CTRL+F) long term memory is fantastic, trust me.

• How I do it: ongoing Google Doc (dearly nicknamed Research Journal, total # of pages = 180, and I started in MSc2)

Word of the Year: ✨Intention✨

I know, we're more than halfway through January 2020 already so this is KINDA LATE.

ANNOUNCING THIS YEAR'S WORD OF THE YEAR!

This year's word is intention.

I spent too much of last year automatically whizzing through things and not really remembering or being aware of a lot of things I was doing. I think if I continue this for too long, life will just whizz by me without me even noticing.

MY INTENTIONAL GOALS FOR THE YEAR

[1] Intentional Spending

The Problem: I've spent way too much just casually scrolling Amazon or Chapters or Yesstyle. Too much money was spent unplanned because of email offers I got in my inbox, leading to very scary credit card bills oops.

My spending intentions: My goal is to spend money in a more efficient way so I'm putting the money towards things I want (saving up for emergency fund, down payment, etc.) and the things I actually enjoy (e.g., trips to visit my bf, good food and fun experiences).

How I'm going to do it:

• Journalling about all purchases that are not part of the planned budget & reflecting on whether it should be something I should add to my planned budget as a valuable expense OR whether I should recognize how I'm feeling/ what I'm doing/ where I am before I purchase the thing to see whether there are patterns that lead me to automatically spend

• Biweekly check-ins on budget. I bank with 2 different banks and the statements are off sync so I get new statements to download/ enter in my budget every 2 weeks so it works perfectly :) It used to be monthly but I realized that was a long time.

• GROCERY LISTS: I create grocery lists every week from the Food Basics flyers I get to my email. This helps me because too often I walk into the grocery store and just pile on whatever I feel like and it exceeds my budget. Having some sort of guideline helps me focus on making sure I get those Food Groups For My Brain Noodle Fuel first before packing in those treats

[2] Intentional Eating

The Problem: I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I don't know what to do with myself. I eat when I'm sad. These are all unhealthy reasons for eating that don't get at what I'm trying to solve (e.g., boredom, stress, etc.)

My eating intentions: I think TOO OFTEN in the past I have tried to go on a restrictive diet as a way of "controlling" these urges but I think that's actually building INTO this habit of eating as a reward or eating as a vice to be allowed if I'm stressed. I intend to make sure I'm eating the planned meals a day and also when I'm hungry, but to distinguish that from eating as a coping mechanism for negative emotions.

How I'm going to do it:

• If I'm eating outside of my planned times or meals, to check in on whether I'm eating because I'm hungry, or eating as a coping mechanism. If I'm eating because I'm sad or stressed or bored, I now have a list of alternate self-care activities to do instead. I might blog about this more in the future, but I realized that my coping strategies are usually based on 2 senses: EATING (taste) and WATCHING TV/YOUTUBE/SHOWS (visual), and that I forget about the calming activities I can do for TACTILE (shower, bath, stretch), AUDITORY (music), and SMELL (bath bombs, candles, baking).

• Track my eating on cronometer 1x/ week. I settled on 1x a week because I don't want to overfocus on numbers every day, but I do notice that with grad school and life getting busy, that I forget that my brain needs nutrients and don't eat enough vegetables. Not having enough nutrients contributes to some of this tiredness too so knowing what kind of nutrients I need to eat more of (LOL usually vegetables or fruits tbh for them vitamins) allows me to more consciously plan and budget them into my next grocery list

• Take on a not-restrictive stance. I think this is what distinguishes this from a diet. If I have a dessert and it actively makes me happy and I didn't choose to just eat it because I was unhappy and needed to fill the void, that's an experience I am enjoying and that is adding to my life.

[3] Intentional Time Use

The Problem: I say yes to a million things and feel overwhelmed and stressed, which I cope by procrastinating (watching tv) or eating, which takes up more of my budget which gets me more stressed about money so I take on more things to afford my #Lifestyle, which in turn means I am MORE OVERWHELMED. (Are you stressed reading this yet).

My time intentions: Really setting up time boundaries and being intentional about what I say yes to. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to other things (we all only have 24h). And I want to make sure that I'm saying yes to the things that align with my goals and values and no to the things that don't energize me.

How I'm going to do it:

• I use calendar blocking to block out my time and learn how long it really takes me to complete things so that in the future, I can plan accordingly.

• I also track my time by the hour to see what mostly takes up up my time. For each hour, I track what I spent most of that hour on, and how energized I felt that hour from that activity: energized (+), neutral ( ø ), and depleting (-). It helps me make sure that I say yes to more things that are energizing, and also to make sure that if there are depleting things I have to do, that I schedule enough buffer around it so I don't burn out.

• I spend up to 30 minutes each day clearing out all emails to be added as tasks to my calendar. I decline anything that doesn't fit into my schedule over the next 2 weeks.

• I do a weekly journal reflection on how I spend my time and whether they align with my goals this year. I reflect on what's working each week that I should celebrate, what's not working that I should abandon, and what I really wish I had spent time on so I make time the next week for these things.

THOSE ARE THE MAIN THREE THINGS!

I'll check back in throughout the year and see how things are going :)

Want to learn more?

• Jenna Kutcher's podcast on the "not-to-do-list"

• Amy Landino's youtube video about how she uses calendar blocking

• Placeholder for how I personally calendar block + integrate with excel + todoist

• Placeholder for post I wanted to write about time boundaries